I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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