I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
