u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
