I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
