so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
