I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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