How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
