Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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