as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Pooping to opera.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
