Umm I'm too high to move.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
