I am puke
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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