First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
