my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The best revenge is premature balding
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
