I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
