you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
