My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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