Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
