This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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