If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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