I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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