you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
