We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
