Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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