I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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