Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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