I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
