I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
im on a boat
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