Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
