we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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