dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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