i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
