If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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