Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Panties = found
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
