Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
