my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
