..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
