Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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