Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
