The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
