I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
