They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
