The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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