If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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