You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
