Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
