I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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