It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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