as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
there was a trapeze. enough said
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I know her cup size but not her name....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
