her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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