i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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