Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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